- What did the internet say when it saw its first social media platform?
Wow, this is going to be fan-page-tic! - Humour and happiness is what separates us from animals.
And politicians. - Kid: Dad, the chef said the kitchen is haunted by spirits.
Dad: Well, in that case, maybe they can help with the cooking! - Don't put all your eggs in one basket, or you'll have an omelet.
- Son: Heard about catching a cloud? ☁️
Father: Tell me, how's that done?
Son: Simple, just offer it a fluffy pillow and challenge it to a pillow fight! - Have you heard about the news anchor who made a potty humour joke on live television? He went all out for "flush" ratings!
- The oldies used to mock me during weddings, saying things like, "You'll be next!"
They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- Harrice walked up to Alice, "Hey, what is chair?"
Alice looked up and answered, "A furniture?"
"No, honey, it's an object that has 4 legs but never runs", Harrice answered. - What did the chess player say to the banker?
Well, here is my check-mate! - I slipped on my banana peel,
Fell flat right on my backside for real,
Turns out walked under that ladder,
Now bad luck just keeps getting badder. - Dad: Hey, I picked up some hot chicken wings for us to have for dinner!
Kid: Oh, that's cool.
Dad: No, spicy. - "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up. And if you still have the bottle in hand . 🤓🥊"
- "Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. Especially when assembling easy-to-assemble furniture. 🛋️🤯"
- Everyone Is Busy
FARMER: Did you sleep well last night?
GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept pushing at the door.
FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset when we rent out her room. - Husband: Wait, did you say this blender can also make smoothies for the dog?
Wife: Yep, we're going for a "pawsitively" blended family mealtime experience! - Why did the human introduce their phone to love?
They thought it was time to establish a strong "connection." - Son: Heard about catching a cloud? ☁️
Father: Tell me, how's that done?
Son: Simple, just offer it a fluffy pillow and challenge it to a pillow fight! - Boy: You know, I heard there's a trick to catch a squirrel.
Father: Really? How do you do that?
Boy: Apparently, you go into the forest and just act nuts! - Why did the neutron avoid humans?
It didn't want to get charged up with their emotional baggage. - Lisa: You won't believe what happened earlier today. A cop showed up at my door.
Mike: No way, really? What did they want?
Lisa: They asked for Mr. Cook, so I said that's me. Then, get this, they tell me my dog was reported for chasing someone on a bike.
Mike: (laughs) Seriously? What did you say?
Lisa: I couldn't help it, I blurted out, "That's bullshit – my dog doesn't have a bike!" I mean, come on! - Three things open up to a world of opportunity.
First, being open to criticism.
Second, staying honest in endeavour.
Third, understanding everything is a lie.
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